Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
