i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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