Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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