mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
