he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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