Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
