Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
