my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
