so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
