3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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