ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
do herpes really smell.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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