were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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