Hey man sorry I got all grabby
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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