Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
