i barfeds in our rink
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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