you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
