Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There's even glitter on my cock...
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