you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
