i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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