my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
