you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
