You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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