Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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