I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
