I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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