i just had sex bonerless
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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