Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
