I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
