My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
