i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
