The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
