I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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