tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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