just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
