The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
