then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
