I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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