You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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