Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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