I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
