I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Found the puke drawer
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
