Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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