the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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