Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
