If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
