When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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