Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
