yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
