i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
