My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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