I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
