My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
